Sunday, March 17, 2013

Used Everything

Not too long ago I was shopping for an electric guitar and as luck would have it, I’m now the owner of THE single, most beautiful electric guitar on the planet. Not to get too technical, when new it was a mid priced Epiphone semi solid body electric. No matter, I just wanted to brag on it a little.

However, in my search I noticed the prominence of many “Road Tested” models. These are new guitars whose finish has been distressed by who knows what means to look like the instruments have spent years on the road with grizzled, or bluesy, or drug addled musicians.

I’m not sure I understand this phenomenon, although it’s not too far out of common practice since aged, acid washed, stone washed, pre soiled, distressed jeans have become common apparel. I guess. I can see why an aspiring young garage musician might opt for an inexpensive “copy” (as I did), to make himself look more experienced but it mystifies me as to why someone with two or three thousand dollars to spend would buy a guitar that looked as if it had been owned by someone who was unappreciative of the quality and value that they held in their hands.

But in keeping with the trend, I have a few suggestions to make if you can imagine that.

1) Cars: I’m sure that the big three auto makers in Detroit can produce models that are brand new and mechanically perfect, but that look as if they’ve been driven by teens for 10 years. Broken tail lights and fogged headlight lenses would be a standard feature, body rust a much sought after option. Nothing makes you feel good about your life quite like the smell of spilled milk in the trunk of a new car.

2) Women: It could become en vogue for young women to get cosmetic surgery to wrinkle their faces and put little cellulite moguls on their hips. Sagging breasts and arm flaps could add a certain something to today’s ingĂ©nue . And body hair…… oh, the body hair.

3) Men: Take the libido and important equipment of 20 year old and put it in a body that looks like that of his 50 year old father…… balding, with a lot of abdominal fat, back, nose, and ear hair, and man boobs. Whoooo – Eeeeee.

I’m on to something here, and you know I am.

And that’s what an average guy thinks.