Thursday, September 8, 2011


The other day at work I happened upon a box sitting on the floor near a work area and somehow knew just from the shape that it contained a new toilet. I found myself wondering what it is about a toilet that wears out or breaks so that you need a new one, but I let it pass. And then, there it was. The model name. This was no ordinary toilet. No. This was an AMBASADOR. Well I almost became dizzy at the realization. I was tempted to open the box and sneak a look, but I haven’t been with this company that long, and didn’t want to chance a breach in protocol. An AMBASADOR toilet. My, my.

Suddenly I started to think about all the other models of toilets…… and are they all of the same general category……. Like State Department commodes. So I did some research and it turns out that’s exactly how it is. This company markets a complete line of governmental bathroom porcelain. There is the base model: the CONSULAR OFFICIAL which gets the job done, but has no frills or special features. Many times it’s hard to distinguish a CONSULAR OFFICIAL from one of the Intelligence Community models. Then comes the ENVOY and the SPECIAL ENVOY. These are basically the same unit except for the padding on the seat, the metal in the hardware, and their ability to handle large volumes of documents that need disposed of from time to time. Then comes the MIDDLE EAST ENVOY. This is a very special design that seems to be very popular with newly elected Democratic Presidents. The unit is generally sent into an area of interest where it is used for four years or until the outbreak of hostilities (without flushing) and then returned to the States. A big meeting is called, the flush handle is pushed and then nothing happens. Eventually, the unit is broken open, the contents examined and a report written.

But the top of the State Department line of rest room porcelain is, of course, the MADAME SECRETARY. Of course, it’s a urinal, but no one has the nerve to say anything.

And that’s what an average guy thinks.

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