An Old Soul

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THIS JUST IN: A California citizen who identifies as a biological male has petitioned the California State Department of Vital Statistics and has been granted the right to change his date of birth as it appears on his birth certificate.

Jake Donner (not his real name) was physically born on February 2, 1982 relates to the Gnu News that for as long as he can remember his parents, all their friends , all of his extended family, all of his acquaintances, and all of his psychological counselors over the years have always commented that he “has an old soul”.

He poignantly recalled several experiences that he has had over the last few years that draw his situation into sharp focus. He constantly misplaces his keys; he can no longer remember his bank PIN from day to day; he is constantly fatigued; his joints cause him enough paint that he is required to take over the counter analgesics; he rarely sleeps clear through the night; he has difficulty maintain a steady urine stream; his hearing is diminished; he experiences special orientation issues that make it dangerous for him to climb ladders and steps; he is becoming increasingly crabby during discussions of current events; his relatives are starting to avoid him, and he is unable to maintain an erection.

And so ninety days after the application for change is received in Sacramento he will receive in the mail a certified copy of his new birth record, Social Security card, California driver’s license, and voter registration card listing his official date of birth as February 2, 1942. He will then be eligible to apply for Social Security benefits and the Senior Citizen discount at the Golden Corral.

Asked if there was anything he’d like to say to Gnu News readers he hesitated for a moment and then said slowly and with a voice made raspy by a half century of tobacco use: “Don’t judge me until you’ve lived a few decades in my shoes”.

But that's just what an average guy thinks